


Searching For An Angel

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Star Wars AUs [7]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Han Solo Lives, M/M, Redeemed Ben Solo, Singing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 18:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13595940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Kylo comes home to the Resistance — and decides to apologize to Poe.





	Searching For An Angel

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Heartfelt Serenade
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Special thanks to MidgardianNerd for her help.

Just because he had come back with his father didn’t mean that everything was all right again. It was something that was all too obvious. Just the way that the others looked at him, the way the scavenger and FN-2187 gave him a wide berth. They were still uneasy with him. Not that Kylo blamed them, really.

It was Poe’s reaction that hurt the most. Poe’s face, initially lit up with joy at seeing Ben again, only to falter, replaced by realization, confusion, anger, grief...it was one of those things that felt like a punch to the stomach.

He couldn’t call out to Poe. It was like the words were frozen in his throat. He looked down, looked away, unwilling to let anyone see the tears that were coming to his eyes.

  
***  
It was Ben. Dear stars, it had been Ben all along. After everything, Ben had been the one who tortured him.

Ben, of all beings.

Running away had hurt, but he had to do it. And now, within the safety of his friends and squadmates, he could safely try and recuperate.

“Poe?” Jess said. “Was it — ’’

“Ben did this,” Poe said. “Ben...did this to me.”

“Ben? Ben’s Kylo Ren?”

“Was, I guess.” Poe couldn’t say he knew anymore. He couldn’t say that he knew anything anymore. It was his best bet that he felt like he had been hit by a runaway speeder.

“Poe,” Jess said softly. “I’m so sorry.”

She embraced him, and Poe took some comfort in it in that moment, because he needed it and for the moment, it was all okay.

***  
Days passed. It was like the isolation was already getting to Kylo, the others giving him a wide berth or just seeming astonished that generally good-natured Ben had fallen, become that. Or both. Kylo would have been used to other beings simply hating him. That would have been easier to deal with. He knew how to respond to hatred. This he didn’t know how to respond to.

Was he Kylo, in that moment? Was he Ben? Good-natured Ben he was used to having buried in the cold ground of Yavin IV the night of the massacre. Ben, just another casualty. Ben, the son that Leia Organa possibly never wanted, and never would want. Now it seemed that Ben was coming back from the dead, and Kylo didn’t know what form he would take.

In the meantime, he practiced guitar. It wasn’t the first thing he would practice, but his father had said it could help. “If there’s anything you need, tell me, kiddo,” he said, and Kylo supposed that maybe, just maybe, Han Solo had wanted him, even if Leia didn’t. Maybe. Maybe...

It was one night, as Kylo practiced, that he started singing. It was an old song that Poe had once sung to him, when they were younger, happier, and very much in love with each other. (In hindsight, maybe Poe’s declaration that he loved Ben too much was too apropos)

“ _I’ve been searching for an angel all my life  
And you might as well be one, come from the open skies...”_

Kylo paused. In a way, he felt wrong singing those lines, even from memory. Because he had it all wrong. The song at least had it wrong. Kylo wasn’t the angel in this relationship. Angels didn’t rip through others’ minds like it was made of tissue, angels didn’t burn down villages.

Then again, what happened to angels from Iego when they went bad?

Poe was the angel. He was the angel, always and completely. And Kylo Ren had thrown him away like he was nothing.

Had thrown him away...

“Forgive me,” he whispered to an empty room. “I’m so, so sorry...”

He could have sworn that there was a soft dwooo sound before a familiar orange and white droid rolled away. And it was there that he realized that BB-8 was there all along.

***

When Poe watched the recording, it was like the galaxy melted away, and all that was left was this recording of Ben singing that one song that Poe had sung for him. Long ago, when they were in love, and that love was like a sanctuary for them both.

His eyes prickled with tears in that moment, despite himself.

“Ben...” Perhaps there was a fragment of what Ben used to be, in the wreck that Snoke left behind. Poe didn’t know, but he had to try.

***

Not long after, Ben invited him to his room. Poe, cautiously, agreed.

The first thing that Poe noticed was that the room seemed to be specially made just for him. Everything from the little X-wing decorations down to how the room smelled was simply the both of them, before Snoke had stolen Ben away and turned him into a monster.

But he had come back, hadn’t he? Defected.

But he’d lied to Poe and invaded his mind and hurt him, and he’d done so much...

But...

Always with the buts. Poe wondered when his mind would stop saying “but” over and over again.

“How long did you have to prepare that?” Poe said.

“A while.” Ben sat not-quite-comfortably on the bed, almost cross-legged, and took a guitar from the wall.

“So...you called me over just to sing to me?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. I had a lot of options.”

“What were your other options?”

“Plenty.”

Poe sat down in one of the chairs. He didn’t know if he could be that close to the former Kylo Ren. Not now. Ben looked hurt, but he accepted nonetheless.

Ben strummed and sang, and Poe could remember it too well — it was something he had sung to Ben, once upon a time, when they were both incredibly happy, when it seemed that nothing could touch them in this safe little world they had created for themselves. Ben had the sort of voice that could remind anyone of a singer in a musical. Deep, soft yet dramatic, something that Poe hadn’t heard in six years.

Six years. Had it really been that long? Somehow it felt longer than that.

Ben strummed and sang, and he seemed to be all but lost in the melody, lost in just about everything. Finally, Ben put the guitar down and took a deep breath. “Does that help, Poe?”

Poe couldn’t move or speak for a while. Then, “You remembered.”

“Of course I did. I love you, Poe. I always have. And what I did to you was one of the worst things I did...and there’s a long list.”

“I don’t forgive you,” Poe said. “But we can start again.”

It would be a long road to patch up what they had, but Poe knew it was more than worth it.


End file.
